My birthday Present

 Wednesday , June 2nd.

Today is my birthday.   I slept in as I never work on my birthday , it is a rule of life.   The plans included having breakfast with the family, opening presents, going to buy myself new birkenstocks, and having homemade pizza for dinner.   That is what I was most excited about.  

I didn't expect to hear from the doctor today.  However I did.   I was in the car with Jason and Lily and felt a vibration.   I didn't realize that it was my phone until it went to voicemail.   I listened to the voicemail on speaker phone (even though Lily was in the car) and I heard the best news I have ever heard and the most amazing birthday present I could ever receive.    Kristin, the image was fatty deposits, there are no findings and no follow up required.    I am very pleased  with the results.   I cried... I credit tears of Joy.  

I feel like I can breath for the first time in 4 weeks.   My gratitude for all the nurses and doctors that got me here as well as Jason my rock during this time. 

I think more so than anything I have come to appreciate my family, my friends, my life, and my health. 

I still do not regret only  telling a couple people as I can not put into words the thoughts that enter your mind when presented with the possibility of mortality.

Onward to new journeys, onward to loving those around me deeply, and onward to days without worry.

Happy Birthday to me!

It's much smaller than I remember

Monday, June 1st. 

The alarm buzzed at 5:30 am this first day of June. Today was the day for my MRI.   When I was told , Wednesday , May 13th that I would need an MRI I was under the assumption that would be the final test, the mecca, the summit. I have a feeling this may not be my last test, however at this juncture I feel like I have done all that I possibly can to address this issue.   I have had 2 pregnancy tests, 3 IV's, multiple vials of blood, a rectal exam, 3 bags of IV fluid, a CT scan, a colonoscopy , have been sedated, drank gallons of mirlax, quit drinking, stop eating sugar, and lastly had an MRI.  Not to mention the rivers of tears .    At this time it is out of my hands.    I think this  MRI to me was a culmination of all of it, just everything that has happened the past three weeks.

One of  the many questions they asked me prior to the MRI is are you claustrophobic, of which I responded NO.  When I went into the room with the MRI machine was much smaller than I visioned in my head.   In retrospect I probably should of you tubed some videos  giving me a better idea and more realistic expectations.    The two amazing nurses were scuttling around me, putting ear plugs in (why ear plugs OMG) , putting in an IV, pillows under my head, pillows under my legs, wrapping IV tubbing around my thumb and warning me to make sure I breath just the right amount.   I needed to make sure to breath just enough not to much, but not too little.   This all while they took my glasses, so I couldn't see them .   Things were coming to quickly.   They started moving me down this tube.   It was a very very small tube and much smaller than I remembered from my last MRI when I was 13.  

At that juncture I cried.  I wept and thru my tears I asked them to stop.   I am not sure if I was scared of the tube or just overwhelmed with every thing that came my way.  The nurse wiped my tears (since I couldn't move my arms or my hands)  and then I sobbed even harder.   All the while I kept thinking that I have to do this for my babies.   I have to find out what my future holds.  I told the nurses to continue.   

For 30 minutes I had involuntary tears drip down the side of my face all the while unable to wipe them.   I kept thinking of being strong not for the MRI, but for this whole process.     I made it out and I was home by 7:45 am to kiss Tyson goodbye for school.   Help Lily with breakfast and pretend things were okay.

I am staring down the fork of the road at this time.   Which path is going to be my path, all the while not taking each laugh , smile of my family for granted.   I don't know if I am strong enough if the path is bumpy.