It's much smaller than I remember

Monday, June 1st. 

The alarm buzzed at 5:30 am this first day of June. Today was the day for my MRI.   When I was told , Wednesday , May 13th that I would need an MRI I was under the assumption that would be the final test, the mecca, the summit. I have a feeling this may not be my last test, however at this juncture I feel like I have done all that I possibly can to address this issue.   I have had 2 pregnancy tests, 3 IV's, multiple vials of blood, a rectal exam, 3 bags of IV fluid, a CT scan, a colonoscopy , have been sedated, drank gallons of mirlax, quit drinking, stop eating sugar, and lastly had an MRI.  Not to mention the rivers of tears .    At this time it is out of my hands.    I think this  MRI to me was a culmination of all of it, just everything that has happened the past three weeks.

One of  the many questions they asked me prior to the MRI is are you claustrophobic, of which I responded NO.  When I went into the room with the MRI machine was much smaller than I visioned in my head.   In retrospect I probably should of you tubed some videos  giving me a better idea and more realistic expectations.    The two amazing nurses were scuttling around me, putting ear plugs in (why ear plugs OMG) , putting in an IV, pillows under my head, pillows under my legs, wrapping IV tubbing around my thumb and warning me to make sure I breath just the right amount.   I needed to make sure to breath just enough not to much, but not too little.   This all while they took my glasses, so I couldn't see them .   Things were coming to quickly.   They started moving me down this tube.   It was a very very small tube and much smaller than I remembered from my last MRI when I was 13.  

At that juncture I cried.  I wept and thru my tears I asked them to stop.   I am not sure if I was scared of the tube or just overwhelmed with every thing that came my way.  The nurse wiped my tears (since I couldn't move my arms or my hands)  and then I sobbed even harder.   All the while I kept thinking that I have to do this for my babies.   I have to find out what my future holds.  I told the nurses to continue.   

For 30 minutes I had involuntary tears drip down the side of my face all the while unable to wipe them.   I kept thinking of being strong not for the MRI, but for this whole process.     I made it out and I was home by 7:45 am to kiss Tyson goodbye for school.   Help Lily with breakfast and pretend things were okay.

I am staring down the fork of the road at this time.   Which path is going to be my path, all the while not taking each laugh , smile of my family for granted.   I don't know if I am strong enough if the path is bumpy.