The Waiting

 Monday, May 31st.

I have to  first and foremost acknowledge the day.  Today is my mom's 75th birthday. My family is currently still sleeping, however in about 4 or 5 hours we will be heading over to my mothers  house to celebrate her and her life.   I still haven't told my mother or many people cause it is not the time.   Today and most days the past three weeks have been a celebration of many things.    Mothers day (the day when I started to feel really bad) , then after Jason's birthday, from there Memorial Day with family, then onward to my birthday, a graduation and  lastly there will be fathers day.     It never seems like a good time to tell anyone that there "could" be a problem.    Also, I just don't think it is fair not to have all the facts when presenting information to those you love.   How would that conversation go,   a 1.5 to 2 cm area on my pancreas has been found .  It could be cancerous , it could be pancreatitis, who knows .   Who wants to suffer what feels like eternity not knowing.   I will leave that to myself.

Here are the stages of grief:

• Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
• Pain and guilt. ...
• Anger and bargaining. ...
• Depression. ...
• The upward turn. ...
• Reconstruction and working through. ...
• Acceptance and hope

 

I am angry right now.  I am so angry.   I feel robbed of this time with my family and friends.   Instead of enjoying them I am worried and wondering.    I could be worrying and wondering about nothing or I could be spending this time angry when I need to move to the next stage.   I need to get to acceptance and hope and I really need that to happen soon. I feel so helpless as there is nothing I can do .   I am always a take charge kind of person where as if there is an impediment I start gathering the tools to break it down.   I have no tools, I don't even know what the fucking impediment is.    So at this time we just wait and continue to wait.  Smile thru all of these moments and wish that I knew what my next path , my future holds.

I am angry.

Tomorrow at 6:20 am I enter the Emergency Room at St. Joes for an MRI.  After that I will continue to wait some more .  My guess is that I will then need to wait longer for a biopsy where they will take a sample of this 1.5 , to 2 cm "thing" that is invading me to determine my fate.   So still more waiting. 

Today, I am angry.  

I don't take this day for granted

 Friday, May 28th.

October 2000 is the day I met my husband.   Well he wasn't exactly my husband at the time nor did I want anything even remotely husband like or sounding that day.     However, it was the day that the planets were aligned.    Jason not knowing a single person walked into a party at the house I was living in  and made friends with complete strangers.   You see, that is the kind of guy he is.     Call it fate, call it a cliche, call it what you want, he walked into the unknown and changed my life forever.

Over the past 20 years, we have seen and done so much.   Purchased and sold two condo's , purchased our forever home,  had one amazing dog named Jersie and another  very unique dog named Scout.   We have also done the thing I am most proud of in my life and that is parent two of the most amazing kids that I  have ever known , (no bias here).    One of those children looks like his momma and acts like his dad and the other looks like her dad and acts like her momma.    We couldn't of done it better.

I don't think one blog entry could ever even begin to explain the type of person Jason is, but I will make an attempt.     He loves deeply.   You know when you are so overwhelmed with emotion and you try to take a deep breath but your body staggers , the breath is taken from you involuntarily.   That moment , that feeling is how deeply he loves.   He is a caregiver, taking care of  all needs, basic or not for all that surround him. 

 He can fix anything, I mean anything.   One of the things that I have always admired most about him is that he rolls up his sleeves on any task no matter what it entails and tackles it.   He is not afraid to get his hands dirty.  Jason is the person that everyone goes to for help on any task.  

Jason parents our children with patience, calmness, practicality and unconditional love.  He is a full time parent to our amazing children.   He is always driving kids to practice, sitting on hard concrete benches during meets, standing in freezing pouring rain on the sidelines and always the last parent to leave.    He loves our kids truly and deeply and they love him back.    He is the dad that you vision you always had and never thought existed.   When the kids were babies Jason was the one who rocked them to bed,  cuddling or reading to them at night.  As teenagers, he is still the one who tickles and snuggles way past what their bed time should be , he is that dad.   I will never forget one cold fall day during COVID , Jason volunteered to send out tweets on game updates.  He didn't know how to tweet until that day and he was the only person on the entire bench.   All so he could see and be there for Tyson as he played.  That is what he does.   He is the role model for our children and has created amazing human beings in them.

He loves me .   He really does.   You know how as a child you pick the pedals off a flower citing, he loves me, he loves me not.   My last pedal is always he loves me.    He supports me, he cares for me, he holds me when I cry, he laughs at me, his devotion is unfettering.   I have truly met my soul mate.  I will forever be grateful that he walked into that party so many years ago.

With all that is happening I can't help but think that all our dreams for our future are in jeopardy.  During this process the past three weeks Jason has always held optimism.   I am so grateful for this ray of hope.  It gets me up each day, physically and mentally.    I am not sure what I would do at this time if it wasn't for his continued love and support.  

When we first kissed, I looked at Jason in the eye and I told him that I don't take this moment for granted.     There is an endless amount of days, moments, thoughts and experiences that I have since not taken for granted.   If he only knew that it wasn't the day or the moment I didn't take for granted, but it was him and everything about him that I didn't take for granted.  I am so very lucky.

A Tortured Colon

Monday , May 24th 2021.

"Bowel Prepping" is about as fun as it sounds.    From what I understand though current 2021 methods of the bowel prep process is much nicer than its antiquated predecessor , however the entire process in itself really lacks any enjoyment.    My first error was "thinking" I had enough Miralax from a past bottle that I purchased a couple years prior.  Oh no.. you need the large bottle and the entire bottle to boot.   Let's just summarize the process with I will never drink Cool Frost Gatorade again.  Ever.

The actual procedures was a breeze.   My anthestician had the most amazing beautiful chocolate skin I have ever seen.     I was really nervous about being put under for the first time in decades and her voice and demeanor were soothing.   I have no idea what she said to me as my mind was in a haze.   The doctor came in briefly to discuss my symptoms and what has occurred to me the past two weeks.    What happened next in our conversation has stuck with me.   He said " I have seen your CT scans and we really need to do an endoscopy, I understand the next steps is a  MRI, but we will need to think about the next steps after that".  What this said to me is that all hopes for my CT scan to be a black smudge has been squashed.  The Dr. seen something where he believes we need to proceed with further investigation.    Fast forward when I got home and went to my ever so trusty google, an endoscopy is another word for a version of surgery that includes a biopsy.    I now have gone from going to bed at night praying that there was a new CT tech or there was a shadow on the scan to thinking of biopsies of this mass that has been found.

Back to the colonoscopy.   It was a breeze, I fell asleep and then  I woke up.  The nurses were playing Corey Hart I wear my sunglasses at night..  All went well.   I do have a tortured colon.     My initial reaction (while still coming out of anthesia ) is , I didn't think I was  medieval on my colon, or what could I have done to torture it, however again with google, it just means it is a bit twisted.  No harm , no foul, just something to recognize.  The doctor did take a biopsy of an inflamed area, however prior to the start of todays blog the report came back and I am happy to say I am all clear in the colon area.

Today I left work on time and Lily and I went walking on a short nature trail that is located right next to my backyard.   I can't stress how close this trail is to the gate in my backyard.  WE walked this trail and saw some of the cutest purple and white flowers .  We also saw a fort that the 5th graders from the local school built on a field trip .   I remember Tyson telling me about this fort.  I have lived in this house for 20 years and I have never walked this trail.  Why when presented with Mortality do we walk a path that is right in front of our eyes  that we never traveled down, especially when it brings you joy.    Next,we hopped on the swings outside of this path to see who can swing the highest.  She did of course.  I then pulled an oak leaf from the massive tree and told her how to identify an Oak Tree by it's leaves.    Lastly, she told me she loved me.  

These past few days have been the hardest days of my entire life.    I find myself skirting the lines of depression but mostly have been very introspective.  I am pushing people away without intention but only because I have nothing to give.   I am battling this alone with only Jason , my sister and a couple close friends knowing what is going on as I do not want anyone to have the feelings I am currently having at this time.  I would not want one single person I love faced with the thoughts of spending a limited amout of time with me in the near future.

Unfortunately, I do not think the MRI scheduled 8 days from now is the end of my journey.  I hope that I soon understand how to navigate these feelings I am having and turn them into positive productive energy, but at this time I am just barely breathing.

It's good to know though my tortured colon is not so tortured.  Test #1 down.

How it all Began

 May 18th, 2021

Mortality, refers to the state of being mortal.   It is such a big and complicated word with so many view points.   When faced with the possibility of mortality the world is turned upside down.   Your eyes come open , your sense are enhanced , you stop and take deep breaths.  

In a random visit to Urgent care for a check up on a horrible stomach bug, it was discovered that there was a 1.5 to 2 cm potential mass/lesion on my pancreas.   The ER nurse gave me the news in a matter a fact discussion of my follow up care.   When I got home I read the discharge papers a bit more carefully and there were words like Neoplasm, growth and potential lesion.   There was other words such as vague and additional information and testing required.  I held hope on those latter words.    I then discussed with my general doctor , who by the way has only seen me once a year for the occasional asthma flare ups , and I asked her , "It is common right that these kind of blips appear" , she responded with "No".  My heart sank.  

I did at that time do what any sane person would do and Googled every single thing I could find on what all this information means.   All the while thinking to myself , I am only 46 years old.   I have two beautiful children who are just teenagers.    There is no way.    As I continued to google information things didn't look good.  It was hard to remain positive.

Next steps at this juncture are to obtain a colonoscopy along with an MRI.  All fun stuff, right.

Each day since I heard and read the report my mind has been in overdrive.   I think about things always starting with my two beautiful children , my husband and onward to everything that I would normally take for granted such as , the sounds of the birds prior to the sunrise and things like  how much I love the smell of my lilac bush that blooms in my backyard.  The words of familiar songs reached to  me deeper the past couple days.  My senses seem heightened. 

I bounce back and forth between worry and trying to remain positive.   Thoughts of my age, lack of any additional signs or symptoms swirl in a fury coupled with percentages of survival rates and surgical terms that just one week prior was not even near my realm of imagination.

For now, tomorrow I start a course of massive amounts of Gatorade sprinkled with Mirolax and onward to a colonoscopy Thursday.   And.. the waiting of what feels like eternity for my MRI  That is convienantly scheduled on the one day between my mothers  75 birthday and my 47 birthday.   I continue to hang onto small ideals of hope that there is no way such bad news would come on this day or thankful for the completely random opportunity to run into a friend with a smile on my preop COVID test.   These all have to be  good signs, right.

As I finish my thoughts for today.. I have one amazing child at swim class, one other amazing child at football practice and the only thing in the entire world that I wish for , more than money, more than anything anyone cold give me is  that in 14 days I will be told that I will have a clear path to see these two beauties grow to become amazing adults.