How it all Began

 May 18th, 2021

Mortality, refers to the state of being mortal.   It is such a big and complicated word with so many view points.   When faced with the possibility of mortality the world is turned upside down.   Your eyes come open , your sense are enhanced , you stop and take deep breaths.  

In a random visit to Urgent care for a check up on a horrible stomach bug, it was discovered that there was a 1.5 to 2 cm potential mass/lesion on my pancreas.   The ER nurse gave me the news in a matter a fact discussion of my follow up care.   When I got home I read the discharge papers a bit more carefully and there were words like Neoplasm, growth and potential lesion.   There was other words such as vague and additional information and testing required.  I held hope on those latter words.    I then discussed with my general doctor , who by the way has only seen me once a year for the occasional asthma flare ups , and I asked her , "It is common right that these kind of blips appear" , she responded with "No".  My heart sank.  

I did at that time do what any sane person would do and Googled every single thing I could find on what all this information means.   All the while thinking to myself , I am only 46 years old.   I have two beautiful children who are just teenagers.    There is no way.    As I continued to google information things didn't look good.  It was hard to remain positive.

Next steps at this juncture are to obtain a colonoscopy along with an MRI.  All fun stuff, right.

Each day since I heard and read the report my mind has been in overdrive.   I think about things always starting with my two beautiful children , my husband and onward to everything that I would normally take for granted such as , the sounds of the birds prior to the sunrise and things like  how much I love the smell of my lilac bush that blooms in my backyard.  The words of familiar songs reached to  me deeper the past couple days.  My senses seem heightened. 

I bounce back and forth between worry and trying to remain positive.   Thoughts of my age, lack of any additional signs or symptoms swirl in a fury coupled with percentages of survival rates and surgical terms that just one week prior was not even near my realm of imagination.

For now, tomorrow I start a course of massive amounts of Gatorade sprinkled with Mirolax and onward to a colonoscopy Thursday.   And.. the waiting of what feels like eternity for my MRI  That is convienantly scheduled on the one day between my mothers  75 birthday and my 47 birthday.   I continue to hang onto small ideals of hope that there is no way such bad news would come on this day or thankful for the completely random opportunity to run into a friend with a smile on my preop COVID test.   These all have to be  good signs, right.

As I finish my thoughts for today.. I have one amazing child at swim class, one other amazing child at football practice and the only thing in the entire world that I wish for , more than money, more than anything anyone cold give me is  that in 14 days I will be told that I will have a clear path to see these two beauties grow to become amazing adults.