The Waiting

 Monday, May 31st.

I have to  first and foremost acknowledge the day.  Today is my mom's 75th birthday. My family is currently still sleeping, however in about 4 or 5 hours we will be heading over to my mothers  house to celebrate her and her life.   I still haven't told my mother or many people cause it is not the time.   Today and most days the past three weeks have been a celebration of many things.    Mothers day (the day when I started to feel really bad) , then after Jason's birthday, from there Memorial Day with family, then onward to my birthday, a graduation and  lastly there will be fathers day.     It never seems like a good time to tell anyone that there "could" be a problem.    Also, I just don't think it is fair not to have all the facts when presenting information to those you love.   How would that conversation go,   a 1.5 to 2 cm area on my pancreas has been found .  It could be cancerous , it could be pancreatitis, who knows .   Who wants to suffer what feels like eternity not knowing.   I will leave that to myself.

Here are the stages of grief:

• Shock and denial. This is a state of disbelief and numbed feelings.
• Pain and guilt. ...
• Anger and bargaining. ...
• Depression. ...
• The upward turn. ...
• Reconstruction and working through. ...
• Acceptance and hope

 

I am angry right now.  I am so angry.   I feel robbed of this time with my family and friends.   Instead of enjoying them I am worried and wondering.    I could be worrying and wondering about nothing or I could be spending this time angry when I need to move to the next stage.   I need to get to acceptance and hope and I really need that to happen soon. I feel so helpless as there is nothing I can do .   I am always a take charge kind of person where as if there is an impediment I start gathering the tools to break it down.   I have no tools, I don't even know what the fucking impediment is.    So at this time we just wait and continue to wait.  Smile thru all of these moments and wish that I knew what my next path , my future holds.

I am angry.

Tomorrow at 6:20 am I enter the Emergency Room at St. Joes for an MRI.  After that I will continue to wait some more .  My guess is that I will then need to wait longer for a biopsy where they will take a sample of this 1.5 , to 2 cm "thing" that is invading me to determine my fate.   So still more waiting. 

Today, I am angry.